// Regressing...
| 07/16/2002 - 7:14 p.m. |

**email to c. 7/9/02 (just a little vent...):

Hey,
So my father has been sending bunches of his annoying little emails again recently. And as usual I very rarely respond, which he must by now expect. In fact last week, I got an email from him with the subject something like "very important question-please respond" Well the question really wasn't all that important--it was just about an old computer of mine that is trash that my mom nevertheless insisted on taking home rather than throwing out when I moved--but I did respond.

Then over the weekend, he forwards me 2 or 3 job ads that he "just happened" to come across while looking online for jobs for my mom (something I highly doubt she actually *asked* him to do, but I'm sure he expected to be profusely thanked for). And "Just happened" my ass--how exactly do you "just happen" to come across psych-related jobs in ** while searching for accounting-related jobs in **?!

Anyway, I honestly wasn't interested, and didn't respond to his emails. Then he sends me an email asking if the info was helpful, I don't respond, so he sends *another* one, which I also ignore. Granted, it is kind of rude not to respond, well except that ignoring him IS my response. And hell, I've been ignoring a lot of emails as of late from people I actually LIKE! So this is the priceless message that was waiting for me this morning:

>It is truly heartwarmimg to know how much you appreciate my unselfish efforts on your behalf.
You're welcome!

I wasn't sure whether to scream or burst out laughing! "Unselfish"-are you KIDDING me?!?! I know damn well the point of all this kind of crap is his wanting a big pat on the back and my undying gratitude, which is why it irks the hell out of me and why I ignore it. And then if he can't get the response he really wants, what? he thinks antagonizing me will get him somewhere. Grrrrrrr!

Ok, sorry, just had to have that little bitch session:) How ya doin? Hope your holiday was nice. Not much new here--have to get off my ass and this computer right now and get ready to go to my practicum. Thinking of you!
Love,
m.

**another email to c. on 7/9:

Heya...

>His response seems more pathetic to me than antagonistic. If it is a choice that you can make, I would by all means save your screams for where they are needed.

Yes, I agree on both counts! Its just that old selfishness theme that soooo pushes my buttons. But I do predict that he will be quiet for awhile as he sulks and feels sorry for himself. And knowing that, yeah, I probably have frustrated the hell out of him, certainly does give me a sense of childish satisfaction, heheh.

> It is good to hear from you and yes, I will be doing some clinical work, probably eating disorder related. This is good, yes?

Well, in *my* opinion it is:) It seems to me that the only thing you get out of the administrative stuff is stress--heh, not that you don't with clinical work, but its got to be a lot more interesting, fulfilling, etc., right? Besides which, now that *I* don't have to worry about sharing you and wanting to be your mostest favoritest, heehee, well, I know you do good work and I no longer have evil thoughts towards anyone you can help, lol!!! Seriously, maybe it was just the way you worded it, but I read the end of your email and immediately thought about when we were working together, and if my memory is right, you were doing increasingly less clinical and more administrative work?, and I remember thinking to myself, haha,good-less competition! Er, kind of feel guilty about that now, and um, a little embarassed, but I had to share nevertheless :P Anyways, enough of my randomness...Talk to ya soon:)
Hugs,
me

**email to c. 7/16/02 (living with my father?!?!--part 1):

Hi...
So I had a super-shitty night yesterday that I need to write about somewhere and I haven't been in touch with you since last week, so I figure might as well kill 2, uh cats? heh, with 1 stone...

Background is that my mood was already pretty low--not that this is a new phenomenon, but I had been feeling slightly more "alive" in the past couple weeks, but over the weekend was back to my prior level of crappiness. At least partly triggered by a meeting at my practicum site last Thurs night--nothing specific happened, I just felt particulary out of the loop, separate, watching things pass me by, jealous of people being "normal," etc and then typically thought myself into a funk from there. Anyway, fast forward to my session with D. yesterday, which fortunatly was not the bad part, but did leave me in a more vulnerable state for later on. Just talking about the old feeling of not belonging, and also, I had brought Tweety with me--not a regular, constant thing like it was with you, but she comes along sometimes when I'm having a particularly low day, and I then tend to be in a younger state of mind. So like I said, this wasn't bad, but I was feeling a little more "shaky" emotionally than usual...

And completely unprepared and defenseless when my roommate just pounced on me. She started off innocently asking if I had used her phone to call **. I'm racking my brain thinking, and then I remembered that I had one day during my first week back here in June. I had forgotten my phone charger in **, and so basically didn't have a phone for a week, and tried to wait for it to get here in the mail, but it took a while, so I finally had to use her phone to call home. She wasn't around at the time, and I guess I forgot to mention it to her later. So I was just like, oh yeah, I'm really sorry about that, how much was it? And she starts saying that's not the issue, you went in my room when I wasn't here and you...As I recall I used the phone in the kitchen, NOT the one in her room, but she insists otherwise because she remembers the exact fucking date and when she had come home she noticed the phone was upside down in the cradle, which of course SHE would NEVER do, but she decided not to say anything and wait to check her phone bill and bam, it was on that day. Oh yeah, and ANOTHER thing I noticed when you were gone, and why didn't you tell me about THIS, and why did you do THAT, and basically you're a sneak and a liar, and I'm perfect and always right. Half the shit I didn't even know what the hell she was talking about, but whatever. More than anything it was the condescending, self-righteous tone of voice that just killed me. And when she was done ripping me to shreds, she went back in her room, picked up the phone to call someone, and I hear her laughing as I sit in my room and burst into silent tears. And there I was, 14 again, left shell-shocked after one of my father's temper tantrums...

Damn, this is already really long and is taking a while to write, and I need to get showered and try to eat something and go to my practicum for the afternoon, so will finish later...

**email to c. 7/16/02 (my sob story--part 2):

Sooooo, where was I? Oh right, sitting in front of the computer just as I am now, but triggered back to another time and place, hating him/her but feeling completely powerless and out of control and directing the hate and anger towards myself instead. Decided that the dinner I had been just about to go make would most definitely be skipped, then spent about 10 minutes recarving the F on my wrist before grabbing my phone and heading outside to chain smoke. Yes, after checking off every self-destructive option on my response list, I finally made a productive choice and called J. (As a side note, I had also been talking to D. earlier about my fear that I would manage to lose/was losing the one *real* friend I have out here (J.) because really how long can you push someone away and be a totally shitty friend before they oblige and say see ya?? So it was an especially big thing for me to reach out to her.)

So, I told her about what had happened, and she was quite supportive, and offered her couch to me for the night. She had just gotten back from renting a movie, so I headed over there and we watched The Royal Tanenbaums (I dont think I have the name quite right), which if you haven't seen it, is a very odd movie (I haven't asked my bro about it yet, but I imagine he's probably seen it and loved it!), but very, very funny. By then it was fairly late, and we both went to bed, although I did manage to eat a bowl of cereal before sacking out, and we'd had some hot chocolate earlier. So, I was still *feeling* extremely shitty, but at least was *doing* better. I slept long although not particular well, another night of cold (and smelly!) sweats--yuk, and woke up pretty much in the same state of mind. Then came home, wrote my earlier email to you, went to my practicum as I said, and here I am again.

Still feeling pretty lousy, but at least have remained out of the crisis/desperation zone, and praying to whatever god(dess) there might be that my roommate will simply continue to ignore me when she gets home and at least for the next few days as well. If I had the energy and concentration to look for a new place to live and move and all that, I would. But at the moment that is just way too overwhelming and complicated a task. Of course, part of my feeling of powerlessness is that she is the only one on the lease, so if I were to tell her just where I think she can shove it, I would most certainly be homeless--that is if she's not already planning to kick me out. It would seem the smart thing to do to try and make some kind of peace offering, but 1-I highly doubt it would make a damn difference to miss OCD, and 2-ok, granted I am not an easy person to live with (NOT that she is!), but why should I have to grovel to someone who already makes me feel 2 inches tall (while 100% ignoring the countless inches I've lost width-wise!)?? My hope is that either way, I can find a way to manage for a few more months, and maybe in the fall, when I hopefully am working (not that I've made any headway in that direction yet) and feeling at least a little bitter, I can make a move.

So there are a number of issues here that I still have to process, but I am tapped out for now. Finally, right?--Hey, if you've made it this far, a-wow and b-thanks for listening:)...Any news, developments with you? When are you done work at **?
Hugs to you!--
M.