// some fucking choice.
| 01/27/2004 - 5:20 p.m. |

1:22pm

...Rosenberg wants me to come IN for a few days--to figure out what to do w/my meds or something.

vs.

...Ate lunch w/Tacie + A., K., R. --> skipping MST2 because I just want to SCREAM or kill myself or do some kind of VIOLENCE because I can't fucking stand this BULLSHIT. I ate--it was fine.
(Well the salad was gross, but fuck you the eclair was GOOD. Point is, NOT a DEAL.)
R. barely touched it, A. whined the whole time.
GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Some fucking choice/decision I have.


2:11pm
Nutritionist--blahblahblah.
Skipping "Assertiveness" group--
Smoked briefly w/Rosenberg just now--bitched about lunch. She used the word "triggering" and I mimicked her, heheh.
Meeting w/Tacie @ 2:30--she seemed pretty 'cool', ok, etc. @ lunch. I dunno.

On the drive in I was listening to the "C./Tweety" mix + I really did need yesterday to just chill + of course, it was sooooo good for me to hear her voice + talk (+ cry + bawl + so on)--and I really was feeling like ok, I'm going to try to be open to stuff, just a little even. But again, here for 5 minutes + I just wanted OUT.

I know I am repeating myself over + over--but I don't know what else to say. It's the truth + it's frustrating + I don't know what there is to do. Wah is me.



email to C., 4:19pm, Subject: [forgot to put one]
just gonna try and write this quick, in case you might possibly get it before leaving...

had sessions with both Rosenberg (shrink) + Tacie (therapist) today.
and i think they both "get it", my frustration w/being there, where i'm at, the real issue, etc.
Rosenberg especially, But...


but she wants me to come IN, IP in, for a couple of days, for the purpose of med management.
or really just to have me locked up (my rewording of course ;-P) for a few days to be clear about what's what in order to then decide where to go with meds or whatever.

every fiber of my being is opposed.
because even today i was so trying to go in *trying* to be even a little more *open*, and then i was there for like 5 minutes this morning and wanted OUT again. and lunch, good goddess, i was so fucking annoyed.

it's my choice.
and they DO seem to get why the idea freaks me out.
and yet, in the past hr or 2 i've been resigning myself to doing it.
bringing my shit with me tomorrow and seeing what insurance says.

because i know what YOU would say about it (goddammit)

so.
&%%$^^$%(*$$^&**%
did ya HEAR that?! :-P

i do get a good feeling so far from tacie btw.
she wants to call you, i said ok.
ideally i think she's wants to do a little conference call, the three of us, if possible.

ok, sending this now. maybe more later, maybe not.
pissy *hugs*,
m.