// (SO) out of place.
| 01/26/2004 - 3:23 p.m. |

email to C., Sun, 1-25-04, 9:40pm, Subject: (SO) out of place.
um. hi.
was just wonderin' if you could give me some idea when i might hear from you...
or whatever.

Renfrew is...driving me bonkers C.
i am so so not where the rest of these girls and women are.
i have *been* there. past tense. long ago.
i can see that it's a really good program, i can.
but i can't see how it can be helpful to me here and now.
i can sit down and eat the meals and it is so NOT a big deal.
(even when the food is flat-out legitimately GROSS)
and the groups and the issues they are dealing with and the insights or whatever people are getting--
c., i did all that work a zillion years ago.
it's old news.
i have no interest or *need* to sit around all day talking about 'my eating disorder this' and 'my eating disorder that'
i'm just stumbling around (dead tired and freezing) stifling the urge to SCREAM--
NO, no, no, NO. shut UP. its MY DEPRESSION GODDAMMIT.

i don't of course. or at least i haven't yet.
i drag myself out of bed, i show up, i eat, and i keep my mouth shut.
and why am i bothering, when all it does is make me want to rip my hair out??
you know why.

right at this moment, just waiting for the snow to start. praying for a blizzard.
so with any luck i'll be around tomorrow...(ya know, if you just so happen to be not snowed in + reading this...)

(SO) missin ya...
m.



email to C., Mon, 01-26-04, 12:38pm, Subject: just an fyi...
that i did stay home today.
my mom decided really, you know her and her anxiety with me and driving anyways, heh.
so i called in, went back to sleep for 5 hours (so nice), and am now up...
me.