// spewfrew day 3
| 01/24/2004 - 8:11 p.m. |

10am group

options
*1. stream of consciousness*
2. about self right now--3rd person--as an article
3. letter/dialogue between--a: heart + head; b: adult self + inner child
4. letter from higher self/power to self
5. poem about journey of recovery using metaphor (door, bridge, staircase, etc.)
6. I am _____ or I notice _____


have i mentioned--that i don't know what i'm doing here?!? and i don't want to be writing just now. like this. in a group. at first, i thought having some sort of structured thing could be interesting, but none of the options really appealed, sooo 'stream of consciousness' i go--the issue is likely something about my old anxiety issues with writing academically in the sense of feeling, albeit on a much smaller scale, a time pressure + it being "judged"-- + i am not one to share my personal writing--well, except with C. + i guess i did occasionally w/ Diane, but never made any difference really there ...oh yeah, + actually i potentially share it w/ the whole fucking world online--but as i've written before--a whole different thing. here, right now, this situation--i don't want to speak at all + certainly not my written words do i want to share--partly why i'm writing about nothing really. + esp. after leaving that group yesterday, same therapist, i don't want to say/do/think/feel anything that could bring those damn tears to my eyes + trigger the flight instinct yet again. well, not anymore than it's already there every fucking second of the day...



11:33am

Everytime I open my mouth--I almost immediately regret. Do NOT act all self-righteous on MY ass.

or sit there like a little snot because you've been here 4 times.
I related to the other woman's feeling, or at least what I heard. And I said so for her benefit. So fuck you + your strokes + your boyfriend too. Fuck all of this. And of course, fuck me, + my banality + predictability (+ my gelatinous thighs ) + being in this fluffy fucking hellhole + putting myself here + choosing to be such a dumbass + blahblahblah--my "harsh" attitude towards myself + lack of "compassion" + every fucking thing.

Oh yeah-- + being a bitch to S. for the umpteenth goddamn time. WHY do I do that to her--over + over + over. Pull that guilt trip BULLSHIT when I KNOW just how NOT FUCKING COOL it is. But, also, why does she never stand up for herself?!?

I can't imagine I would take such ABUSE from her. And it really is ABUSIVE, + I hate that I even have the capacity for that. There is something SO not right there--on both our parts. How could I be an emotional (or otherwise) (passive) aggressor?

HOW?!...And I know why she takes it. She's taken it in other forms from other people, that she "looked up to" even, in the past.

I essentially rag on her for not being "perfect"--for not being there for me exactly how + when I want her to--but jesus.fucking.christ, she IS there when SHE is able + that she's still "here" after all this time is fucking amazing--the rarest of relationships in MY life, my history. She's the only friend I honestly have...+ my treatment of her is clear evidence of why--why I don't "deserve" friends + camaraderie + ...