// sullen girl
| 08/12/2004 - 9:37 a.m. |

mon, 8-9-04, 2:35pm
('pre-pat notes')

definitely got myself in a 'good' little funk.
have been for a couple weeks now,
just making the 'official statement' here.

once again spent the weekend in full hibernation.
did shit except schoolwork,
alternating w/ wasting time.

my goal is to have all my work for the course,
save the final,
done by sat.

so i can fully embrace the 2 weeks that is obsessive olympic oblivion.

still a weak excuse tho.

there were several points throught the weekend where i thought:
'i should really go do this' or
'i should stop doing that'--
'would most likely make me feel better.'

which somehow seemed a drawback.
so i didn't.

naturally i rejected dwelling on it.

but i had/have the sense of feeling that i don't "deserve" any little boost/s right now.
that i'm "punishing" myself for something.

but hell if i know what i've done lately to bring that on--
w/ all that confession shit i did,
my conscience should be shiny clean.

the other "symptom" of my rut is:
the extent to which i've done zilch 'processing' of my last 2 sessions--
in my head or on paper/puter,
not even 'documenting' the bare 'facts'/'highlights'/'lowlights',
which i generally do at least.

i know last mon. i left feeling just kinda 'weird'.
and last time decidedly 'crappy'--
the latter part of that session being devoted to what i call the
'i'm a big fat lifetime L-o-s-e-r, oK' issue--
but in both cases squashed the feeling down asap...