// cuttin it up
| 08/16/2004 - 11:16 a.m. |

thu, 8-12-04, 11:40am
('pre-pat' notes)

*blood smudge*

^^ pretty ain't it ^^
oh yes, the joy of razor blades.

why?
what, you mean i'm supposed to know?!

last session sucked even more,
left feeling distinctly shitty and angsty.

but for me,
cutting is never something i feel compelled to do,
and i don't very often.

just every now and again,
this thought appears like,
'hey, that sounds like a good idea.'


its nearly always a very calm and deliberate thing--
whether in the bathroom at school before class on monday,
or just now in my car parked on the street.
just reopened the cut on my stomach from mon...

have i asked before:
when in the fuck did i get so damn CHUB?!?
its ridic.
whatever.


so not looking forward to this.
don't wanna deal w/ her,
don't wanna deal w/ anything.

but you know me,
i show up for the torture anyway.


my sat. deadline isn't looking so do-able...

(she's always so damn cheery w/ her "Hello!"
when she walks by me here outside.
my point?--none. just saying.)

...and then the final was actually put up last night,
will be due the 18th.
so i might even start that before i finish the homeworks,
i dunno.
there's only 2 questions in the coding section this time--
don't know if thats good
or
really, really bad.
eek?

and um, can't think of nuthin' else to say.



some random post-post-notes (not a typo)...
it was a much better session.
relatively speaking, left feeling a lot better this time.

touched on a bunch of different stuff,
feel like i said (outloud, to her) a # of things that i hadn't before,
some of which i had written about in recent weeks:

~told about the random cutting spoken of above

~being in a 'slump' recently;
feeling not-so-good when i left the last few times;
renewed intensity of weekend hibernation...

~...and a good bit about my admittedly illogical feelings that
i don't 'deserve' to push/break out of it...

~...and similarly how despite feeling some relief
in 'cleaning the slate' some weeks back w/ her,
and moreso tacie and rosenberg,
this contradictory sort of disappointment,
that no one reacted w/ at least a hint of being 'mad' at me.

~which naturally pat found esp. 'interesting'
--
asked about if c. had ever gotten angry w/ me.
um, YAH.
and what about.
and etc.

~and there was more,
but i only remember the stuff
i have recently written about in some way...


this weekend was all about:
more java. duh.
AND
the gymnastics (and the rest of the olympics),
highlighted of course by me MO ROCKIN' IT baby!