// OMG--she LIKES me!!! (lol)
| 02/18/2004 - 11:07 p.m. |

2-18-04, Wed, 10:40am
Skipping/avoiding this morning�s group��Adult Body Image Art��again, no thanks.

So trying to write some, which I�ve also continued to avoid as well. It can feel overwhelming, because the more I avoid, the further I fall behind, esp. in terms of just getting down �significant� events + even a few days after my memory is so crap + I miss things + I hate having those holes, particularly when I go back to stuff + its � or all missing.

So I�m always playing catch-up + never getting around to really dealing with stuff.

Not that I would ever avoid for just that purpose.

Um yeah�clearly I avoid any + everything for any + all varied reasons�my modus operandi suprema.

Returning to Friday (I think?)�2/13
Anxious about 2:30 session w/ Tacie. About all the shit that could get me all kinds of stirred up, emotional, �dysphoric� + then it would be the end of the day + the end of the week + I wouldn�t have anywhere to go with it (well, anywhere/one that *I* actually would), no clue how to deal except total, severe shut-down.

Perhaps in my anticipation of all that, I started numbing prematurely?
I dunno. I was relatively present for the session, but also cautious + as it happened, not real emotional at all. Even though we did, I think, start off talking about C�

Yeah, I�m angry @ her (nothing new) + yeah, as it seems 6 months of my pleas + negotiations +declarations that as much as I have no idea what I need in any other realm, I know that I need her, was just-like-that, canceled out by one conversation w/ you + whatever your �2cents� were (I still don�t know exactly)�yeah, I�m a little mad at you too, Tacie.

Even though I was shocked C. ever entered into any discussion w/ me about it at all when I first threw it out there, my little fantasy, back in the summer. Even though deep down I knew all along that it would never happen, us �working together,� again�its hard for the fantasy to get the �official� �not viable.�

Tacie wondered why I thought C. hadn�t said a flat out no to begin with.
Really, I dunno. Is it possible she has a hard time saying no to you?
[Tacie proposed this as just a thought she�d had, but I wish I knew what or if C. said (something) that reflected it�]

C.�having a hard time saying NO to me?�
Ummm, somehow I don�t really see that as having ever been an issue, especially in the last year or two!
Heh.

I don�t exactly recall what else went on. I know Tacie hadn�t yet had time to read the �scariest day� pages. And that she wanted to go to 3:15�is that ok? Sure.
(duh, yes, that�s perfectly ok�not to even mention that I knew I was missing snack, which she clearly didn�t think of. Oops. No one even said a word to me about it either, which is interesting.)

OH. Yah, then I remember, she said, teasingly, something along the lines of �I don�t know why, you�re just sitting here, paying more attention to the damn silly putty� (Don�t think that was even it, but she does �hate� the silly putty, lol, so same difference). And I�m like, yeah, I know �I annoy the hell out of you.� And she�s like well, no, blahblahblah (i.e., I forget) + I said, �AND, I annoy the hell out of you���Well yeah, but, I also like you,� w/ a genuine smile.

Inside I�m naturally thinking �OMG�she LIKES me!!!� �but of course, don�t really show much response outwardly.
And Tacie�s like �Yeah, I know, I�m going to have my head examined,� lol.

It was really quite cute, even I�m not doing the best job here describing the scene�And that�s all I really remember right now about Friday�


11:40am (outside)�Tacie was just flitting around the hallway before, stopping to chat w/G. even. I know she always sees me sitting or whatever when she walks past or we pass in the hallway. Rarely acknowledges me + if she does its with a solemn sounding �Hi M.� + that�s it. And she is really not a �solemn� person. I don�t exactly get it. Maybe because *I* of course will not even initiate acknowledgement + pretend (not very well tho likely) that I don�t even notice her really?

Other people will often like grab her in the hall + appear to get plenty of her attention �publicly.� So I dunno if she is knowingly playing off my (transparent) little games or playing one of her own or if I�m just making it all up in my head. All are valid conjectures probably

[I need to write her a letter or something�before I leave (2/27!!!)�sooner the better�problematic w/ me + the avoidance thing�more related that I still need to get to here�]



1:08pm
The weekend was a blur of nothingness. Boring, uneventful, + just long + �empty� w/o any of the primary staff around. I was particularly quiet, slow, blah + thoroughly disconnected from the community as a whole + every individual in it.

Monday was pretty dreary as well. No appts., groups��Mothers, Fathers, Daughters� + �Grief + Loss��that could both potentially bring up a LOT of hard stuff for me, but even though I talked a little in both, I wasn�t feeling it.

I actually filled out the daily day tx form, for the 1st time, + even handed it in, lol. I wrote that my goal for the night was to fix my damn computer�STILL haven�t been able to (grrr/ahhh).