// just the facts m'am
| 02/24/2004 - 2:57 p.m. |

2-24-04, Tues, 9:56am
Dude, this community is fucking CRAZY. I sat there in community meeting just like what in the HELL is going on here. Besides never being here @ night, I apparently missed all kinds of drama over the weekend.
So I�m clueless + oblivious as usual�+ grateful cuz they�re all fucking WACK anyway.

Today is lunch w/Tacie. Anxious as its apparently a bigger group, several new admissions who I of course don�t even know, other than 1 is Mag., the bed-rest/legs girl, who actually seems quite nice + all from what I�ve seen in a few groups, but fuck-me, I admit, w/ due level of shame, that I can�t quite see past her triggery-ness.


Trying now to remember yesterday�s session w/ Tacie�(�segments� in no part. Order)

~She grabbed @ the silly putty during the meeting, lol, tried to steal it again at the end + was joking about keeping a look-out for my bag to take it from.�I think I�m going to give it to her as a good-bye present, heheh, with the tweety container�awww.

~We actually talked a little bit about sexuality, relationships, etc.�woah! I mentioned hanging out w/ S. a little bit on Sunday (the total extent of my activeness over the weekend�blah) + she asked if S. was �just� a friend.
Which is not a question I get taken aback by or anything by any means. A moment later she said she asked �because� she remembered reading something in my intake way back�
Heheh, on a sexuality question I marked �asexual� + wrote �mostly� + put �maybe� by �bisexual��a typical M. response apparently��just the facts m�am��lol.

~~Mostly talked about my feeling I was born w/ some basic deficiency in terms of any kind of relationship + not really seeing myself ever �spending my life w/ someone� because I don�t believe I am even capable of that kind of relationship.

Never my favorite convo, always uncomfortable (yeah, I�m a �loser� + a �freak��hate talking about it), but all things considered, not too horrible.

~She was asking me some about my �ending� + �closure� w/ Diane, as �we will be saying �goodbye� Friday� + what I might need + yaddah yaddah�
yeah I�m staring @ my shoes.

~Said she was going to �recommend� a therapist to my aftercare coord. (forget her name) +see what she thought�didn�t seem at all compelled to say/share anymore to me right then, + I as usual, didn�t ASK�but hmmm??



2:10pm
Feeling shitty. As if I ever don�t.

Lunch was sucky. I mean it was difficult throughout, + I was ultra-distracted�like could barely even manage filling out the stupid MST form. But it was manageable until the end. When Mag. Was re-freaking out about her cheese sandwich + �clair.

--�That is disgusting for anyone to eat.�
--(ahem. Excuse me?!) �For you, or for anyone?�
--�Anyone.�
--�Well, ok then.�

That is totally something I would eat (in �normal�-mode obviously).
So I guess that makes me totally gross + disgusting. Yeah, thanks.

I said �I feel like the group fatty. As usual.�
And A. tried to compare her feeling that way too�ummm, I don�t deny your feeling, not at all, but like are you KIDDING me?! I see the visual difference. I think she tried to claim that as a matter of personal perception too, but no--I know where I�m distorted + where something is clearly based in reality + fact. I nearly asked Tacie to say so, + I think she would have been honest, but she interrupted, wanted to do a quick ending go-around check-in. I said, �I�m going to use another M. word + say �I feel gelatinous.��
Hah.


I don�t know why, but I�ve been wearing �real� clothes (v. my pajama-pants layered ensembles) the last few days, even jeans.
I have visible curves again, a body, + its uncomfortable as fuck.

I am really fucking terrified.

3 more days left, for a total of 37.
The longest 5+ weeks in memory.
Its hard to believe I lasted all this time, got up every freaking day, + didn�t walk out or get myself kicked out.

But I feel no more capable of getting my ass up, w/o the fear or whatever its been that�s driven me to Renfrew each day, no more capable of anything, no less hopeless, no better, not really, than I did when I came in.

Of course I didn�t believe I would be.
But its different to have actually gone through all this, had a pretty long-ass run here for intensive-tx-land�+ and know. Get the confirmation that this too, what everyone else was pushing for so long as the thing that I needed, was also ultimately ineffective in getting me out of nowhere.

Yet another �hope� dashed.
More proof.
No direction still.