// thunderstorms
| 9/14/2004 - 1:00 p.m. |

tuesday, 'free-write' in cw class

we're listening to this new-agey sort of music:
the cd is called "thunderstorms"

pretty sure there is one brewing outside as well.
grey, that wind, the howling,
the particular way the leaves and branches move.
but above all, you just know,
its something intangible in the air,
you feel it in your bones.
you don't have to know what the weather is supposed to be--
goddess knows i never check.


i have this forboding sense that
there Might be one brewing w/in too.
and i feel like I'M the one stirring it up.
and i don't fucking know WHY.
b/c its thru the Last thing i Ever want to Ever.

on the very first day of my creative writing class (thu, 9/2),
just thumbing through the syllabus,
read the brief little blurb about the 1st writing assignment,
a "mood piece"...

and what immediately pops into my head?

remembering when that memory shit got triggered w/ diane last year,
and 2 sessions in a row, i was totally freaked out,
1/2 dissociating, and just spinning.

and immediately afterward i came home both times +
scribbled (in typing form) madly these 2 journal entries,
that were just in-the-moment Intense,
and less than coherent, and phrases, and just Shit.

those were the 2 pieces of writing that
totally randomly unwelcomingly popped up.

well, at the time,
it didn't feel disturbing,
just hmmm.
so i looked them up and another few on dLand and printed them.

and that gut feeling thing again was
"you really should use this one"--
'cant get a grip'

welll ok--
i mean weird and personal,
but its almost the same kind of anonymity--
in class as online--
so, uh, what the hell, i'll go w/ it.
(providing i don't change my mind in the meantime)

ok, so then--
fri + sat night, well the next morning,
those early hr fitful periods of sleep and annoying dreams i have--
my father was in them.
no idea now the details,
only that they were not pleasant.

and even though i more or less am not bothered by him present time
and generally feel that for the most part,
i've worked thru all that shit for myself--
when he asked about taking me + mom to dinner sun. for my bday,
i was like nope, sorry, "not up to it."
really just can't or don't wanna fucking deal with him/it.

then, sorta talking about that w/ pat yesterday--

*and i'm outta time again...*