// um, hi (email to c.)
| 02/02/2003 - 11:22 p.m. |

Sooo, hi there. I can't decide if I owe you an apology or not. Do I??

Well, before I catch you up on my miserable life, how have you been?? Did you get that house you were looking at?

Ok, last communication I had with you, I was in super-numb, freezing-out-the-entire-world mode. Made myself totally unreachable to D. especially. I don't really know how to explain it and although I might have tried, I don't think I was really ever able to pull off such a totally-unaffected-by-anyone-or-thing state with you, so I can't really give a point of reference. But anyways, that lasted about a week.

I think I'd still be in that place actually, if it weren't for a lot of drama concerning the forums I make my online home at--that have been more important to me this last year than anyone not a part of that community could really understand. So I won't bore you with the details (unless you want to know), but as things began to get resolved, I allowed myself to feel the relief (joy even?!?!), and (unfortunately) that opened the door back to feeling in general. Which in turn broke the starvation (vs. 'just' restricting) spell, moving on to the binge, starve, binge, starve, binge, binge, binge cycle. Bah fucking bah. Mood-wise, back to status quo shittiness.

*Still* trying to make contact again with the psychiatrist, apparently one of those you have to 'keep after' to get a reply, which makes a bad combination with my difficulty following up on such things. Ugh.

Yeah, this email doesn't make a whole lot of sense I don't think. Oh well...uh, miss you and stuff :-(....

Hugs--
M.