// whatever
| 01/28/2003 - 12:32 a.m. |

I never did rewrite the entry that got lost last week. Don't much feel like doing so now. Just going to post some emails that were part, tho not all, of it. They're from the 20th and 21st. Actually, there really isn't much to add. Haven't heard from or written to c. at all since. 2 sessions with d., today's being only slightly less a complete waste of time than the previous one, in which I totally just froze her out. And I'm in just about the same fucked head space. Or maybe not, actually I'm not sure at the moment, but too tired to consider it any further. Anyways...

email to d: journal entry
Not in the mood for a pre-amble, explanation, self-conscious qualifying, blahblahblah. Just don't give a fuck.

*insert 'starve' entry*

reply from d
M.,
I'm glad you let me read your journal entry. I know that this is terribly, terribly difficult and hard work. I know that letting yourself feel these needs and letting me in on your desire for comfort and love is both excruciating and treacherous. I know it feels hopeless and like the only thing you can do to end it is to starve. I also think the rage you are now directing at yourself for having these needs is completely unfair. Thank goodness you have these needs and they haven't been starved or beaten out of you. Those vulnerable and tender feelings are the ones that do make you human. There's nothing weak about it. Of course it infuriates you that they were not taken into consideration, but the fury you feel at yourself is so abusive. Doing this work is sometimes close to impossibly hard because it activates all the longings you have tried so hard to shut off. I do not think it is impossible though, and I do think you can get through it. I D.

email to c: too much
Dear C.,
So, I'm really not doing well. What else is new, right? But I'm even more miserable than I have been, or miserable in a somewhat different way, I don't know. My last 2 sessions with D. have been extremely difficult. An old memory got triggered last week, the one of my father holding me up, shaking me, my head hitting the wall...and I freaked out. Again. I don't know if dissociation is a correct description or not, but staying present was nearly impossible. There is also so much blankness associated with the circumstances of that incident specifically and just all of my memories, or lack thereof, in general, and I get so overwhelmed, frustrated, terrified by it. Didn't eat at all for about 24 hours, difficulty sleeping all weekend. Today was even worse. D. was somewhat pushing me to talk about some other related childhood stuff, and I just couldn't. Kept disappearing again, though don't even know where to. None of it really makes sense to me, particularly how extremely I (still) react. I'm sitting here quite calm typing this, hoping I can get the gist of all this across without going into a ton of detail, but and what it comes down to is that I am in bad fucking space. Copying below my writings/journal entries from immediately after each of the last 2 sessions (which I also emailed to D. in both cases if you are wondering), which are decidedly abstract but unfortunately-not-at-all-exaggerated evidence of my deteriorating mental state...

Tired now. Hoping it will not take me hours to fall asleep. Thinking of you and wishing this were a more chit-chatty email...
Hugs--could really use some nonvirtual ones :-(..--
M.

*insert 'can't get a grip' and 'starve' entries*

reply from c
Hi M.,

I'm sorry to hear that things continue to be so very bad for you. I don't know why these memories are surfacing now in quite this way or why they are triggering such a severe response. It does seem to me that you have been gradually losing ground in lots of areas--intake, mood, cognition--and that you are poorly equiped to deal with any (internal or external) stressors. I assume that you and D. are talking about a hospitalization? (I hear you cursing.)

C.

reply to c
>(I hear you cursing.)
Yes, I imagine my 'fuck you' and 'bite me' was probably loud enough to traverse the country.

The answer however is no and it hasn't been mentioned.

No hugs?--
M.

reply to d
Whatever. Thats about the extent of my response.
Which may or may not be preferable to the 'fuck you' and 'bite me' I replied to C. with a few minutes ago.
Am freaking out even moreso this morning, because my forums are not just down, but seem to have disappeared overnight. Fuck.

reply from d
I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I'll see you Thursday.
D.