// um, hi...again (c.)
| 02/12/2003 - 11:59 a.m. |

Feeling pretty nonverbal, just wondering if you got my last email and stuff...
m :-(

*copy of um, hi email*

----------

Hi M,

I did get your email--just not sure how to respond. I'm puzzled by your question as to whether or not you "owe" me an apology. Are you wanting to know if you were out of line from my perspective? I,of course, think that you miss the boat with your question with your focus on my feelings and the possibility that I am pissed-off with you.

Apart from that, I don't know what to do with the alarming, distressing updates that you provide to me. I feel like I'm in an untenable position: I trust that you are in good hands, although from this distance, for whatever reason, you don't appear to be benefiting from your present treatment. It sounded to me that you were in a very real crisis. My question was prompted by concern--I have no investment other than to wish you safe and well.

I hope that you know that.

C.

----------

Dear C...

>Are you wanting to know if you were out of line from my perspective?

yes.

>I, of course, think that you miss the boat with your question with your focus on my feelings and the possibility that I am pissed-off with you.

??huh??...Well, my feelings don't make much sense, generally caught in such instances between amorphous guilt/regret and righteous stubbornness. But besides, why wouldn't/shouldn't I focus on/care about your feelings??...**insert time spent staring at screen fumbling to translate my thoughts into something reasonably coherent on the screen**...I realize that our relationship will never really be 'balanced.' And my seemingly endless/current uh, instability, makes it even less so, which makes me (even more) sad. Nevertheless, I wish you would react/respond to/interact with me, I dunno, more spontaneously--more 'real', less from the therapist-ish 'role'. I wish...I could better express myself right now, among other things...

Oh, and very much connected to the above (and probably the following too), I wish you wouldn't ignore my questions about what's going on with you...

>Apart from that, I don't know what to do with the alarming, distressing updates that you provide to me. I feel like I'm in an untenable position: I trust that you are in good hands, although from this distance, for whatever reason, you don't appear to be benefiting from your present treatment. It sounded to me that you were in a very real crisis.

**nodding my head in acknowledgement of/agreement to all of the above**

>My question was prompted by concern--I have no investment other than to wish you safe and well. I hope that you know that.

**tears in eyes making screen look blurry**...I do. And regardless of my reaction, I do value and want to hear whatever you have/want to say to me. What I am really seeking though, almost always, is your reassurance, care, affection, attention, etc--i.e., YOU. I sense that that seems somewhat inconsequential to you when there is no plan, no action/movement/improvement, when I am mired in self-destruction. Maybe so. But its all I want, from you, from this world, from this life...blah.

Weepy one,
M.