// cancelled. *roll*
| 06/03/2004 - 7:00 p.m. |

thu, 6-3-04, 11:40am
(pre-pat)

yeah, so, jen had already cancelled when i got to group tues.
we were waiting for julie,
+ finally cindy checked her messages,
+ julie had called all of 10 mins ago saying she "wasn't feeling well."
really not cool.
the whole thing.
my drive is at least 50 mins.
don't appreciate making the trip for nothing.

and while we were still waiting for julie,
cindy thought it a good time to "chat" about how group's going for me.
same old blahblah from me.

then she brought up the hug 'issue'!
eeek!
answered best i could.
including how felt/feels? a bit hypocritical--
engaging in a physical 'intimacy' when so not doing so verbally.
i non-intentionally... (<<--for once, not saying this sarcastically)
...forgot to say the 'corollary' to that--
being the 'fear' that the 'physical' would trigger a feeling of 'vulnerability,'
in the same way 'sharing' would,
and/or lower my 'inhibitions' in doing the latter.
+ ya know, goddess forbid that happen!



re-dyed hair last night--
its now much more like it was supposed to be in the 1st place--
ronnie red for reals like the last time


going to dinner tonight @ william penn inn. for mommom c.'s bday.
errmm, yeah, took a phen this morn.



sat is the frew shindig...hmm.


(yeah, so pat came walking up just as i was writing the phen-thing!
oops!
i mean, not like she would try to cop a look at my journal,
or would even be able to make out my writing standing up w/ me sittin on the bench.
but still...
oopsy?)


since i had the extra time tues, went to old navy again.
hah.
the one in wynnewood.
typically, got a bit "lost,"
but they had more stuff--
got another hoodie and pants.
+and they had good clearance stuff toooo...


(continued on a 'smoke break' @ the w.p. inn, 6:40pm)
oh yeah, just small talk when i first sat down,
mentioned to cindy tat i'd gone clothes shopping--
being that its such a rarity.

"is that a 'hard' thing for you?
does it bring up 'issues'?"


no.

besides those damn capris!
and frequent trouble finding stuff that "fits"--
lets face it, dressing room mirrors are pure evil,
clearly made in some particular way to torture people,
just for the hell of it.

but personally, i'm over it.
hasn't been any real 'deal' for quite some time.

didn't mention how i, at one time, would literally cry in dressing rooms...
but that was honestly 'back in the day,'
when i still still 'thought' it was somewhat about my body and weight,
and i actually gave a fuck about how i looked.
when my damn thighs caused me deep grief on a daily basis,
rather than simply being an annoying 'fact of life.'
~~already, smoked 2 cigs, should get back inside, i guess...)