// the freunion
| 06/05/2004 - 5:02 p.m. |

sat, 11:10am
@ frew for the reunion.
weirdness.

its the morning group time right now.
so naturally i'm out in the gazebo writing.
just like old times.
*muhaha*

i have my
"donuts
it's best for dinner"
shirt on.
[showed it to tacie and she says, "well, i see you're still having fun."]
heh.

when i walked in the manor house door this morning, t. spotted me right away.
(granted, w/ my briiight [ronnie] red hair, i uh, stand out a bit )
and she came over + gave me a {{{{hug}}}}

oh, + she was like, re the hair:
'i'm trying to be a nice old person + not say anything.'
(oh yeah, like tacie could ever keep her mouth shut! )
but she did admit she liked this color (the re-dyed red) a little bit better.
(everyone else seems to like it tho, so again!)

i was kinda 'hangin on' to her,
sorta following her around,
but whatever.
not many people here i even recognize,
+ no one i really 'knew' @ all...

[granted there weren't that many.
i was hoping kim. and/or ata might be there tho.
esp. since, oh so shockingly, i haven't been in touch w/ either.]

...a bit overwhelming.
+ i didn't want to get 'lost,' ya know?
besides, she wuuubbs me, heehee.


+ of course i went to the 'community meeting' she was running w/holly.
hey i actually talked + shit, heh.

our intros were supposed to be:
name; 'connection' to frew; + 'what we hoped to get out of today'--
"i'm m. i was here this winter, day program, for uh a looong time.
+ my goal for today is to spill everything possible on my shirt [the one i had over the tee]--
i've gotten a pretty good start."
t. + holly just stared @ me.
hey, i coulda said i wanted to drive t. that much closer over the edge

and then we read the "guidelines for recovery"
oh yah.
"awareness. acceptance. action."


but i did pick to read #7:
ACCEPT WHERE YOU ARE IN YOUR RECOVERY NOW--
Judging your recovery process is another form of criticism.
Where you are is exactly where you need to be.
When you accept where you are you can work to move forward.
You can never move forward from a place you do not acknowledge.

and from there we spent the rest of the time talking about which ones we particularly related too.
blending it with "issues + concerns"...

(blah. the 'patients' just got out of a group.
and the smokers descended on the gazebo.
so i came into the manor house.
and the only place to sit is the couch.
where molly + some other chick were sitting.
and there is now another.
w/me scrunched in the corner.)


...so i had 3 things re the guideline i had read:

(1) the fact that i had, + still do somewhat,
a real hard time accepting what has happened in the past few yrs.,
taking such a biiig fall,
+ ending up where i did.

(2) on the other hand,
how 'well this is where i'm at'
(so what the hell do you want from me?)
was part of my "platform" when i was here.
(pointed look over @ t.--
i don't think she 'got' the reference tho).

(3) and now, trying to be 'not so accepting.'
like trying to take risks to take steps forward,
despite fear of the pattern of CRASHING yet again,
anytime i do seem to be making some bit of progress.

oh, + i guess there was a 4th--
accepting that those 'baby steps' are significant,
not comparing to past times when it (taking the class for ex.)
would not have been any big whup at all,
acknowledging that right now such things are worthy of notice + such.


(tacie said something this morning,
referring to me always being off in some corner w/ my journal--
when i was supposed in group usually
--and was like 'are you writing a book? you do write a lot.'
"welll, i do actually have a fantasy of having them (my journals) published...)"

do i really write that much?
like noticeably/significantly more than most people?
(well 'people' mostly meaning my fellow, er, 'crazies')
i mean not that it would be a bad thing at all.

but i just think back to when (yrs ago now)
i wrote just about every day.
+ usually for a good chunk of time.
+often multiple times a day.

now, i rarely manage to write when i'm home
(which is the majority of the time).
why i try to at least give myself that extra time prior to therapy,
to 'make' myself do it.

or when i'm out otherwise + find myself w/ some 'empty' time--
thats also at least in part b/c i get real anxious these days
if i don't have anything to "do,"
some means to 'distract'--
+ journaling ironically both serves that purpose
+ yet doesn't really fall in the category of 'distracting'--
being that what that usually means for me is:
blocking out any/all thoughts/feelings.
but w/ writing i at least have a means of focusing them,
rather than they running all amok around in my head,
resisting all attempts to constrain/contain them
+ generally, inevitably just speeding to that place of:
'i suck'/'everything is hopeless'/etc.

hmm...love/interesting how those little off-hand comments can 'trigger' so much.
~~12:25pm, time for lunch i guess...



1:00pm
'suddenly' feeling kinda shitty.
maybe the lack of effexor this morning.
(i hadn't even noticed i was running out,
but yeah, none in there.
at least i have a refill to pick up on my way home.)

but a lot of it is definitely how i'm feeling being here.
not really anyone to talk to.
i was waiting in the looong ass lunch line forever.
by myself, surrounded by people.

even when sue came out,
17 attention whores got to her before i could even say hi.
[not that i hadn't chatted with her earlier. but still annoying.]

finally got to the damn table + there's like nothing [for me] to eat.
no diet coke left (tho pretty funny/odd they even had it!);
al the good fruit gone [only melon left, which i'm not much a fan of.];
+ all the sandwiches/wraps were non-veggie. (wtf?!).
so i got a little bottle of water.
+ dessert--a little brownie + a cheesecake square.

i so wanted to leave while i was waiting in that line.
the only reason i didn't is b/c i wanted to say good-bye to tacie.
once i do, i'm outta here.
got what i came for--to see tacie + sue.
have definitely had my fill of the rest of it.

not to mention i have all of 4 cigs left.
+ i just opened the pack this morning!
oops.
no one has even bummed any.

oh, + love everyone playing the 'i'm really "struggling"' game.
had more than enough of that shit when i was 'stuck' here.

yeah, i know, i'm whining + pouting + miserating [no clue if thats even a word].
i did say i was in a mood...
~~1:20 pm