// an update i guess
| 07/28/2004 - 10:07 a.m. |

[[she read this @ 5:09pm.
no reply 'yet,' as of 6pm, + about to leave for group.
knowing her pattern--
which is that if she doesn't reply as soon as she reads,
the probability of getting one is not good.
(one of the reasons i so compulsively attach read receipts when i email her)
--seriously can't fucking believe her.
bitch...*NO razzy emoticon*]]

email to c., tue, 7-27-04, 2:14pm, Subject: an update i guess
hi...

had my follow-up appt. w/ the specialist yesterday.
survived.

i'm sure you can imagine that was no small feat--
my basic intense doctor phobia
plus the reason i was going
plus it being a male doc
plus having his fingers and whatever else being stuck up my ass,
and so on.

anyways, bottom line is:
there is no *rush* for surgery.
main thing i have to do now is get/stay 'regular' again.
and see what happens.

i realized now that i had been experiencing "partial" prolapses for months now--
when the rectum would slip (actually the colon is where the slippage 'begins')--
and protrude slightly, but then slid back in or whatever.
again, didn't know *then* what it was.

point being, there is a not insignificant possibility the problem may continue/reoccur.
if so, surgery is the only way to fix it.
which would be a bit more "major"/"invasive" than i had thought...

but i imagine w/ your own experiences w/this area of the body, you can empathize some...
maybe.

well, i should send this before my itchy fingers get the best of me,
and i can no longer resist the bratting urge,
that has been lurking for the past week or so...
um yeah,
me



tue, 7-27-04, 7:12pm
(pre-group notes)

so unquiet went experimenting again,
on back roads this time.
the wrong ones naturally.
when will i learn??
not in the near future i'm guessing,
considering how not the shiniest apple on the tree i currently remain...



much more on the doc appt. is prob not necessary.
i do believe these words about cover it:
"plus having his fingers and whatever else being stuck up my ass"

oh, but i'll ramble on some more anyway.

i did a pretty good job the week leading up not thinking about it too much.
pat was in agreement that this was actually "taking care of myself"

come monday morning tho,
that was pretty impossible to keep up.

going to the doctor w/o even a peep of resistance
is about as common an occurrence as uttering the words:
"take me to the ER."

along with my all-inclusive stubborness,
i've had a multitude of miserable interactions w/ the m.d. breed over the years.
so that ups my resistance considerably
(to the point of refusal on any occassion i can get away with it )
and male doctors in particular are like my worst nightmare.


point is i didn't have so much as a "non-compliant" thought in this instance.
DIDN'T mean my anxiety wasn't right up there on the richter scale tho.
managed to avoid a full-blown panic attack,
but it definitely took some effort.

i always feel anxiety rather acutely physically.
typical shakiness, shallow breathing.
biggest thing though is i get reaallll nauseous,
as well as stabbing pains in my stomach.

all this being said, it definitely could have been worse.
doc and the nurse both were pretty nice actually, laid-back.
and as i said, i survived!
heh.



wed, 7-28-04, 9:40am
damn her.
tricky little thing.

came home from group last night,
had an email from c. that she sent about 6:30.

i know, i know.
once again,
will i EVER learn??
and once again,
not likely.

she just has this ability,
w/o even doing anything,
to trigger ridiculously intense feelings in me,
and ones at every point on the spectrum.
w/ nearly every other person,
i have an almost scary ability
to disconnect w/ troubling ease.
damn her.

at least i *did* resist the bratting-by-email urge,
instead played it out on my own,
during my drive back from group last night.
what does that mean?
you don't wanna know...



the reply from c., tue, 7-27-04, 6:26pm
Dear M.,

I'm glad that you are following through with the medical stuff (not much choice, huh?) It seems like a cruel joke to have colorectal problems when you are as doctor phobic as you are. Life does make you humble. I hope that you are able to avert surgery, but on the other hand, there are plenty worse things.

How are you otherwise?
I am doing okay--too busy and largely overwhelmed and over worked, but okay.

Hugs to you,

C.


~~~~~
will probably write back sometime today...