// its just--weird.
| 07/04/2004 - 10:28 a.m. |

sat, 7-3-04, 5:13pm

@2nd st beach.
can't remember the last time i journaled in view of the lighthouse...

left my house @ 9:10am.
finally got to cape may after 12:30.
ridiculous!

we just hung out for a while, supposed to go to the beach around 3.
at which time i was having that lazy ahhh-don't-know-if-i-feel-like-goooing-now.
too complicated, too much effort, too hot.

but i eventually geared up + joined the beach bums an hr or so later.


anyways--
"feeling" like nothin's goin on, as usual.

i mean, i wrote that whole long thing to tacie, took me a week--
and didn't ever really feel anything the whole time.
i thought feelings, i wrote feelings, but i felt none of them.

sat there twiddlin my thumbs as pat read the 'other' stuff i brought on thurs.
we even talked about it some--
and barely a twinge or stir.

finally wrote an email to c., nary a wistful sigh.
no reply--ah, well, whatever.

its just--
weird.


so, as expected, 'what was it you were 'confessing' to tacie?'
pat seemed a little surprised actually that was who "the letter" was to--
my interpretation of a facial expression anyway.

i had planned pretty much to share the letter w/ pat--
knowing there was no way in hell she wouldn't ask what it was about.
so i was ready w/ my reply, that i'd tell/show her next time;
felt like tacie should read + have the info 1st,
which pat seemed to understand.

still seeing her twice this week, even w/ mon being a holiday.
she asked if i wanted to reschedule for tues?
yeah, sure, why not, la di da. ~5:50pm



6:40pm
back at the house, on "jim's patio", heh.
the gale sibs are back, dinner soon.
mac+cheese--real m+c, my aunt always makes it yum ;)


back to the 'weirdness'...
other examples of my blase state, even non-therapisty related ones!
hah.
but all the same theme.

i esp. think i should be feeling something--
something 1/2 good even!--
re taking some steps,
to actually address, rectify, whatever you wanna call it,
recent 'lapses' in the honesty arena.

but even intellectually, not terribly impressed;
not unimpressed either necessarily,
just neutral? or something?

just a general 'disconnect' from the relevant 'actions'.

i dunno--all of it, here writing it, etc.,
its going-through-the-motions.
not in a 1/2-assed way i don't think,
but nonetheless.

is there a shoe somewhere waiting to drop?
an avalanche about to be triggered?
WHAT?

again, its just--
weird.



random note: archives organization updated