// regarding "not a viable option"
| 03/09/2004 - 4:44 p.m. |

email to C., Tue, 3-9-04, 3:05pm, Subject: the 'other' stuff (long)
dear c...

so.
it's actually been 4 weeks now since i got 'the email' from you.
somehow it feels like its been even longer ago.
i guess w/my sense of time already being kinda confused--
and adding to that, all those "renfrew days", each of which seem like a week long...

but anyways.

although delayed, it still feels important to me to respond.
it's been too loaded an issue not to.

first off, i'm copying several journal entries down bottom.
from/covering the day before i got your email thru the day after.
kinda long, editted out a few unrelated parts of the entries for the sake of Some brevity.
[[also, within the entries is a couple emails to you that never got delivered due to my computer issues--
including a happy birthday one, i must point out, cuz you know i always remember ]]
not much really, until the last entry, that would 'merit' a response from you--
i Would like to hear any thoughts you have re: said entry...



since then, i haven't actually done any more writing on the subject.
haven't really been *particularly* focused on/thinking about/feeling that intensely about it even.
beyond the initial emotional reaction and such...
it was/is, on some level, kind of a...relief??
or something.
not *exactly* clear on what the feelings or thoughts actually are still--
but something along those lines is at least part of the 'conclusion'.

i mean, i don't 'take back' anything i've said in these last 6 or so months.
but it did start out as just a fantasy, a random one at that.
and hard as i hoped and pleaded for it to come true--
i always *knew*...i was basically just setting myself up.

at the time, i/everything was just SO out of control.
i was also numb to the *extreme*.
but, if i'd been able to actually feel anything, overwhelming loneliness + shame would have been primary.
in the midst of losing *everthing* else, and yet so.not.giving.a.fuck--
that old and again prominent fear of losing you, my connection to you, your presence in my life was somehow the singular thing that penetrated.
and i didn't make the clear connection until recently, but in part the 'pursuit' of returning to a 'defined' relationship was my misconceived strategy to ensure Any would continue.

but at the foundational core, what/all i really wanted, what i've always held dear, is YOU in my life.
and having you as a continued "supporter + friend" surely has/has had certain preferred 'aspects'.
as we have talked about before, i have missed the 'friendlier,' relatively more 'mutual' nature of our relationship/interactions that were present pre-'breakdown'.
the "shift" i know was pretty much unavoidable, but nonetheless difficult (for us both i would guess) to deal w/ sometimes.

what i wish for now, and think having the "resumption of therapy" question no longer an issue will perhaps aid in, is a return to a less, shall we say, 'contentious' sort of relationship.
to "hope" for "more" i know is strongly linked to me finding, somehow, a way out of this void i have so long existed in, a way back to myself, the means to "shift" 'back' in the forward-progress direction...to live again.

that i guess is the point to which i've 'processed' thus far.
tho thats more i think than i had realized when i started writing.

the general theme here, it would seem, is one of acceptance.
and i do believe that it's real.
as in not just a function of my state of numbness that still permeates.
although i also wouldn't be surprised if at some point, the initial anger, sadness, etc. gets triggered and produces a minor, er, eruption.
i don't imagine you would be exactly shocked either.
not that i'm *planning* for such or anything, just in knowing myself, aware of the possibility. ya know.

so yeah.
thats...what it is.
and a LOT of it, i know.
obviously would like to hear your thoughts/feelings/response--when and to the extent that you are able.
no pressure or demand or whatever.

love + hugs,
m.

ps--also sending (sorry, just can't help myself!) another email of journal entries--the previously promised tacie-kicking-me-out-of-her-office mini-saga and a couple other briefer segments. just for your entertainment, to read at your "leisure"


*editted copies of "not a viable option" + OMG--she LIKES me!!! (lol)*



~~~~~~~~~~

email to C., Tue, 3-9-04, 3:10pm, Subject: stories
sending this right after the "the 'other' stuff" email, which is the 'important' one.
this is just for later or whatever and, uh, fun


*editted copies of kicked out..., ...pullllled in., lucky me, + 40 days and finally done...*