// ...pullllled in.
| 02/21/2004 - 4:15 p.m. |

2-20-04, Fri, 11:55am
Team�yeah, that was fun.
Dr. D, Tacie, Sally, + also Karyn.

Me
--I have nothing to say
--I don�t care
--I�m done
--whatever

And then group w/ Tacie.
People are walking in�

Tacie: �M., I�m going to be around for a while today. If you want to talk, will you come by or leave a note under my door?�

Me: �You told me to leave. I won�t be coming back.�

Tacie: *pissy, frustrated sigh*


I should have used the word �crawling� back or something. Or won�t �initiate�. But whatever.

Yes I�m fucking myself over supremely.
Acting from a highly �UNreasonable mind�

Whatever. I suck, I am worthless, I am full of shit�
Why pretend otherwise?



1:16pm
I wanted to vomit on my lunch.
I want to purge it now.

Tacie left a note in my box.

M:
I scheduled an appt for u on Monday, 2/23/04 @ 1pm.
I hope u will be able to keep it.

Also, you are welcome to stop in today. I don�t think that cut offs or expressing your anger & distress in this manner is helpful.

Think about it!
Tacie

�I got it.�
I am such a rude, cold bitch.
I am considering �stopping in.�
I feel nauseous.

I�m supposed to go to �Creating Your Life� group this afternoon.
What a fucking joke.
My head hurts.
(*remember I should take my meds*)

I don�t know what to say. I verbalize that as I don�t have anything to say. But something is making me feel like I�m about to implode.
(need to go to bathroom )

1:36pm smoking
I just took a big ass shit.
And then I purged. Not a lot, just 2 gags worth. But, uh�wtf?!?
And the toilet stopped up. Great.
Thanks to fucking GOD no one was waiting to go in next.

Yeah. I�m a goddamn mess.

1:42pm--In session sign still up on Tacie�s door.

A bunch of people have told me today that I look nice.
Like, woah, I�m not in my pajamas, layered, wearing a bandana, I match, + you can see my relative shape.
My face is also breaking out, but no matter I guess.

I am scared. So, so fucking scared.

The ECT idea keeps popping up all over the place.
Its overwhelming to think about it as a real possibility.
A last resort that could actually work.
It could also do irreparable harm to memory function + who knows what else.
And it could not work, the last resort.
And then what???

And now what. ^infinity

2:09pm--Sign is still up.
When exactly is it that I�m �welcome to stop in today�??!



2-21-04, Sat, 4:15pm
Ok, right after where I left off yesterday, I got up, checked Tacie�s door again (sign still up) + went out to smoke.

I was nearly done the cig when she walks out the door, strolls on over, + sits next to me.

Tacie: �This is my last attempt for today.�

Me: �I was just upstairs, walked by your door a few times, but the sign was up.�

Tacie: �I�m really glad to hear that. Do you want to come in/up?�

Me: I guess.

She went to the MH quickly to get a cup of coffee, + when I saw her coming back towards the res. Bldg. I started walking in a bit ahead, up to her office.

(I think she was maybe supposed to be seeing Mag. then?�left a message w/ the nurses station that she was running late)

What did I think her intention was the day before?

�I don�t know what it was, but I took it as�
Oh what, I�m supposed to come crawling back, all upset or something? I don�t think so.�

Not exactly, but not far off. Trying to provoke me, make me angry, hoping I would come back w/the anger, thoughts, something to say.

�It obviously didn�t work, but I want you to know my intent was to provoke, I wasn�t just being mean.�

Looked at her coldly (1st time making eye contact since I�d seen her come outside) + said, �oh, but that was clearly in there too.�

What did I mean?

�That little dig about my �platform��clearly meant to wound.�

That was not her intent, it was also to get me angry, but not to be hurtful.

�No, in that instance, I don�t see there being much difference between intent to provoke + intent to hurt.�

She said that she genuinely cares about me, not just saying this, I really do care about you. And its hard to see me suffering so much, so depressed, in pain, etc.
And she doesn�t know if she�s been any help at all, but she was sorry if she had added to it in anyway, specifically in the past day or so.

Me: �Ok.�
T: �Ok what?�
Me: �Apology accepted?�
T: �Ok.�

There was a lot of vague talk of my caring/not caring, not wanting to be there/showing up, the constant push/pull.

I quite appreciated that she seemed to get what it was I was expressing w/o me actually having to spell it out.

Me: �Don�t want to emotionally invest in something that�s over in a week.�
T: �Well, the only difference is we won�t be coming together here, like this��the relationship� doesn�t end.�
Me: *mother of all eye rolls*

I mentioned that I was thinking of a journal entry* I�d written several weeks earlier that related to the current conversation, + I was literally holding on to my own hands to keep from reaching into my bag + showing it to her.

(*from Tues 2/3, 6:53pm�day of the team meeting, hell lunch, + my last �unscheduled� meeting w/ T., during which she read the entry immediately prior)

�insert other stuff I don�t quite remember�

When I was leaving, she said something like, �Well you might not think of me this weekend, but I will definitely be thinking about you + hoping you find a way to take care of yourself.�

�No. Please don�t. Don�t think about me. Its so not worth it.�

I didn�t get a real clear view of her face�
The look was: hurt? Confused? Surprised? ???
+ just heard a tentative sort of sounding �ok.�
+ I was closing the door behind me.

True or not true or I don�t know�
Probably not necessary on my part.
Nice job M.

Today�s state: scared. Very.
Not really doing shit.