// the book of renfrew (email to d.)
| 03/09/2004 - 10:26 a.m. |

(having some inexplicable, frustrating, and random puter/connection issues, and emails are currently refusing to leave my outbox, so who the hell knows when this will actually get delivered, not that it really matters i realize but i'm "sending" it sun 3/7)


*a wave hello*...

and on the last episode of m.'s so-called life...
was going 'residential'/ip "for MAX 3 days"...

more like a MISERABLE 7.
not that long i know, comparatively (on a # of scales), but bleh, it was the principle of the thing...and etc.

but anyways, after uh 'fighting' my way 'out', continued on as a day patient for another 4 weeks.
finally finished up march 1st, for a grand total of 40 days.

not that the day program was by any means 'easy'--i was completely drained and exhausted and just done by the time i got home each day...
BUT i really was (relatively) much more able to be 'present' and 'open' and such when i WAS there, vs. feeling completely overwhelmed, claustrophic, overloaded, stuck, etc. 24/7.

perhaps the most amazing thing was that i actually lasted all that time (the longest 5+ weeks in memory):
!! - got up every freaking day;
!! - and as close as i came on quite a few occasions, i DIDN'T walk out;
!! - or get myself kicked out for that matter (of the program that is...i DID manage to achieve a new therapy/tx milestone of getting kicked out of a session/the office, lol.--i'll paste the journal entries re that accomplishment down the bottom for your amusement, heh)

amidst the renfrew roller-coaster, i also got the definitive:
"resumption of therapy with me is not a viable option" from C...
not unexpected, tho certainly still hard to hear...but, on some level, a relief as well??...
anyways.

at the end of my time @ renfrew, after, well, everything--it was actually rather difficult to say goodbye.
ok, mostly not at all!, heh, but there are a select few people that i'll genuinely miss.
#1 on that list, rather annoyingly, hah, is tacie, who was my individual therapist there.
i actually really liked her, we had a mutual connection from almost day 1...
and that being said, it will surely not surprise you that we spent most of the 5+ weeks fighting! lol.
per arbitrary renfrew rules, not an option to continue working w/her outpatient.

at the same time, i also had a really good psychiatrist there, dr. s. rosenberg--and i should be able to get around said arbitrary rules and continue seeing her. (amazing i know, me genuinely liking a psychiatrist, even *gasp* trusting her!--she's that good.)

on the majorly anxiety-provoking side, am starting with a new therapist.
had a few options, but have decided to go with a woman named pat d.--recommended to me by tacie (they share an office actually) and someone rosenberg also knows and raved to me about.
and the standard anxiety aside, felt quite ok about our 1st meeting, got a good "vibe" from her basically.
c. has already started praying for her, lol.




and so, that's where i'm at...factually speaking.
as for where *I* am at...i honestly don't know really.

there is still very much the feeling that i have made absolutely zilch progress in the last 2 months--
[[minus the significant weight gain (only a sign of 'progress' in other's terms mind you ): I have visible curves again, a Body, + its uncomfortable as fuck...but i suppose i'm begrudgingly dealing at the moment]]
--as expressed in this journal segment:

(2/24)...But I feel no more capable of getting my ass up, w/o the fear or whatever its been that�s driven me to Renfrew each day, no more capable of anything, no less hopeless, no better, not really, than I did when I came in.

Of course I didn�t believe I would be.
But its different to have actually gone through all this, had a pretty long-ass run here for intensive-tx-land�+ and know. Get the confirmation that this too, what everyone else was pushing for so long as the thing that I needed, was also ultimately ineffective in getting me out of nowhere.

Yet another �hope� dashed.
More proof.
No direction still.


but sometimes...i have moments...when i think maybe...maybe...


maybe I should finish up this voluminous thing!!
yah.

good thoughts + wishes to ya
m.


ps--oh, but couldn't forget the aforementioned promised documentation of the tacie-kicking-me-out-of-her-office mini-saga!
tried to edit out [[particularly irrelevant details]] for the sake of some brevity.


*editted copies of kicked out... + ...pullllled in*