// no, REALLY.
| 04/26/2004 - 8:10 p.m. |

2:50pm
(pre-Pat notes)

door seems to be locked again.
and its rainy + humid + gross.
and i'm bleeding + cramping + fat + gross.
great.

well, i did finally finish up the list yesterday--
just a day or 2 behind schedule.
so not too bad i guess.

[[the 'baby-steps' list i did w/rosenberg last sunday (4/18):
1. picking up all the clothes on the floor + putting away
2. picking up, organizing, throwing out, all the other random shit all over the floor.
3. vacuum, clean, etc. w/ mom's help
4. finally move in my desk, bookcases, chair
*1-2 were supposed to be done by thurs.
3+4 by sat.
so i mean, really, for _me_, not too bad.*]]

haven't talked to s. at all.
but i did get a PM from her this morning.
that was, i dunno, 'pretty ok', good?
will try + reply tonight.

umm, otherwise, mostly--
eating too damn much.
"EDR-ing"
and uh, getting 'wrapped up' in [lalala] "stuff".

still waiting for [lalala].
EEK.

1/2 started another or 2 of my fiction stories.
then decided to continue w/ a 2nd part the first...

and uh, yeah.
door unlocked, time to go...



8:23 pm

should really process session today more in depth than i'm gonna here.
but oh well.

talking about my 'immobilaztion'
in my words, that fact that i clearly suck, as i continue to do basically nothing to resist it.
pat had a bit of a slightly different take on obviously, but whatever.

'i wonder how much this has to do with C.?'
jesus.fucking.christ. IT DOESN'T.
exactly why we spent yet another chunk of time going over the same shit a-gain.

i did talk some of being more or less scared at this point of writing her.
feeling like its simply 'unacceptable' for me to be doing not-so-well.
her frustration, fed-upedness.
etc.

and yes it sucks.
and yes it makes me sad among other things.
and yes anything having to do w/ C. is emotionally loaded.

but no, she DOES NOT have anything to do w/ my "staying sick."
no, i AM NOT still trying to get anything more from her than her simple presence and support.
which she has promised countless times over the seemingly countless years, would always be there.

why does no one fucking believe me?!?!
grrrr.

because, in all absolute seriousness,
the whole theory,
or any variation there of,
is OFF-BASE.

look, i get why it seems a feasible possibility to all the therapisty-people.
but that doesn't make it true.
it doesn't mean i'm in denial
when i say i know myself well enough,
and for.the.love.of.nancy understand all-too-well the complexities of me-and-C.,
to know it's really, really not the deal here.

did i mention,
AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.

anyways.
we also had a fun little mt. everest analogy going at the end.
ok, not fun persay, but interesting.
i have a thing w/ everest, and i always like a metaphor good enough to withstand dialogue.

random observation--
we go over time a lot.
sometimes by a good bit.
kind of intersting to compare:

~~c.: always, always running late.
(and i was always, always bitching about it, hah.)
but we also went much over time the majority of the time.

~~diane: classic by-the-clock, to the minute.
start.finish.bye.

~~pat: on time to start.
pretty low-key about ending.

nice combo
would be even better w/o all the damn C. talk!