// short stuff
| 08/22/2003 - 4:28 p.m. |

C. read my last email, the one sent about 4am today, at 8:42 this morning.
Still no reply.
Bahhhhh.

~~~~~

recently started a thread in TS at TF titled:
"O-M-G. unquiet starts her own thread!, heheh...about gt too."

most of it is stuff crossposted to or copied & pasted from here, but i did write "just few explanatory notes" for my 'Just real friggin long' and 'kicks in the ass entries' that I realized might be useful or a good little refresher or whatever for maybe some poor unknown soul that reads this that isn't S. or isn't a really bored TF-er who gets adequate repetition...

**M. is obviously, I think, me
**C. is my former therapist of 3 1/2 yrs, between 1997-2000. We have stayed in pretty close contact since then, and now that I am back in the area and clearly thoroughly fucked-up again, I am currently trying to convince her to work with me again. For various reasons, its a hard sell. Anyways, our relationship has always been quite intense and complicated and basically although she often frustrates me to no end (its definitely mutual as you will see, heh), I completely adore her and can't for the life of me explain nor minutely lessen the depth of my attachment to her.
**Aunt J. is who I'm currently living with since my move back from CA
**D./Diane was my therapist in CA. We unfortunately did not have the best of endings.
**The "'E' word" that I refer to is "emaciated." C. likes to call me that when I'm barely even in a technically anorexic range

~~~~~

earlier today, same thread, posted the following:
just another embarassingly ed-related whine, but whatever, gotta get it off my chest (or thighs or wherever).
and i'm still talking to myself, but been doing that literally in 'rl' a lot lately so its still all good.

yeah, at Renfrew apparently, they use what sounded to me to be a bit idiosyncratic percentage-based weight system.
of course, managed to extract a few misc. pieces of info from s., enough to put it together for myself and of course figure out what my little #s would be.

well, fuck her, fuck me, fuck it all.

over the weekend, she was just like, 'IT'S NOT FAIR, that *I'm* the one going in and not *you.*'
now, I knew how much it was all freaking her out and while I may throw a hissy fit at the mere mention of slapping a label on me, I'm not particularly body dysmorphic, and while it may not necessarily change anything, I try to not let myself get away with pretending too much that the shit I'm doing, or what I'm weighing, is actually normal just cuz I can point to you and you or you that is "worse."

point being i wasn't going to get in an argument with her over it.

but did i mention fuck her, fuck me, fuck it all.

by my calculations, whatever her weight is right now, she's like 2 little % points above my all time low that I spent all of about 3 days at 2 weeks ago.

SO BITE ME.



~~~~~

aaaand, another email to C...
Fri, 08-22-2003, 3:29pm, Subject: Brief litte Q, I swear
Actually probably gonna start on another novel to you in a little while, but for right now, its just
Grunts and ows.

I know you're all ornery and hard-assed these days, but I'm still really missing you at the moment.
And wondering if, on the off-chance you read this before leaving for the weekend, you could remind me of your work # so I could act like the wack-job I am and just call to hear your voice on your message thingy??

Thanks,
Me

no read receipt yet on that one :-(

~~~~~

an hour or so later now, but adding one other thing onto this entry.
just updated my older entries/archives page.
what was formerly: diaryland - recent (1/28/03 - present)
has been split into:
**whatever --> 'the scariest day' (1/28/03 - 06/21/03)
**losing 'everything', feeling nothing (06/24/03 - 07/21/03)
**and what is now the default archived/old page: back in Philly... (07/22/03 - present)

all absolutely fascinating, i know.