// some tf posts...
| 04/05/2004 - 12:07 p.m. |

so i *started* this entry just wanting to copy here the very LAST post.

then i thought, well, i should probably take a look at some of my other recent posts as well--
i think there's 1 or 2 that might coherently articulate something of relative significance.

and then i ended up w/this--
every post in the last 3-4 months in which i said anything at ALL.

yeah, typical much?!
hah.

put in some additional comments here + there too...

(side note: all are replies to threads, nothing here i started.)



TOT thread: Most memorable thread/post?
12-16-03, 7:32pm

"the adventures of unquiet and gt"
(only memorable to the 2 of us i'm sure,
but i think i laughed about 2x more that night
than i have during the rest of the last 2 years combined)


a old old old thread at the old tf. titled???...
'what the FUCK?!? newest user: snowflake?!?'
...or something along those lines.
it was when someone??? was hacking the forum
(is that what was actually going on? i don't quite recall)
and registering well-known usernames somehow...
all i know is i started the thread, and it was endless...
(and i've never had an even moderately replied-to thread since )


v-ish's "anonymous" good-bye poem thread,
quickly turning to her getting SCORCHED
...i think that was when i realized just how less-than-nothing i knew about the *real* tf social world...



FL thread: Feminism Is Wrong
1-18-04, 1:02am

[QUOTE]
[QUOTE]I'll probably get flamed for this, but what the hell. I'll be the first to admit that I'm *not* a feminist. I personally think feminists screwed themselves over because now women get to be equal, they get to have the 9-5 job, the salaries, everything. They are also still expected to go home after their day at work and cook for their husbands and children and do the domestic work. And they repeat it every day.[/QUOTE]

Actually, this is the very sort of thing that feminists - at least the ones I align with - are trying to address now. It's not that feminism has failed, it's that it's not done yet. Changing this and the attitudes behind it requires a huge amount of change in both society and individuals (or the way individuals are socialized by society), but I believe it's possible and worth trying to do.[/QUOTE]

word.

and ditto (i think) merc's position on the draft: i don't believe there should be a draft in the first place, but as there is, put me in it...so i can be officially demonized as a pacifist


more generally, why are so many of you so scared of women who aren't particularly 'feminine'?
you won't call yourself a feminist just because *I* do?
or you will use the word but feel it necessary to make sure it's known that it doesn't mean you are like *me*?

who the fuck said it did?
oh yeah, MEN.
and god forbid you piss off anyone with a penis.
yeah, I have issues with men. the NON-feminist ones. which remains the overwhelming majority of them worldwide.
so excuse me for not being an adoring fan.

and i don't shave and i rarely wear makeup. and who knows, maybe i'd rather do it with a chic. (<-- i don't have a clue myself for the record )

SO FUCKING WHAT?!?!
i couldn't care less if you like lipstick or you wanna wear a pretty white wedding dress or anything else that you CHOOSE to do that does no harm to anyone.

i'm proud to be a woman. proud to be a feminist. proud to be a "radical" one for that matter.
yeah, i'm sooooooo scary.



FL thread: fuck tf
1-19-04, 12:45pm

why don't YOU


bleh, i hate that stupid phrase, and i'm SO fucking sick of seeing it on TF especially.


if I HAD "a life," i wouldn't be here.
duh.
but if i hadn't had TF for the past 2 years, i probably wouldn't have ANY life LITERALLY.


besides which i could quit this place cold turkey any day before i'd give up a single cancer stick.

7:32pm

[QUOTE]^^my post above^^
[QUOTE]yep.[/QUOTE]
[/QUOTE]

boo-yah for us chronically suicidally depressed.




TOT thread: TF Group Home, what would it be like?
1-19-04, 7:51pm

scary scary scary thought


i've lived in halfway-sort-of houses with e.d. women before...isolating in my single room, being an incurable slob, and chain-smoking away in the little pantry-ish room behind the kitchen where i was banned to--well i wasn't the most popular housemate.


and then there was that time i made the newest person to move in get up and move at the dinner table because she was in MY seat. so pleasant and welcoming i was. poor girl.




FlameLand thread: is it lameland again?, hmmm...
1-20-04, 10:50pm

"RL" "things" suck ass.
i prefer their intrusion on my playground be as minimal as possible thanks.



TS thread: an_unquiet_mind, treatment.support.lovin'..
[[started by gt regarding my beginning day program at frew]]
1-25-04, 9:08pm

eek.
just saw this now.

rather embarassed, tho i do appreciate the gesture my gt.
(i saw your car when i was leaving today, but had.to.get.out.of.there pronto...didn't check my cell messages till i got home either. um, really sorry for the other night...i love you.)

and of course i very much appreciate everyone's words of support. means so very much.

but...jesus.h.christ, i so do not fucking belong there.
don't get me wrong, i think it's a really really good program--
if you are really and *primarily* 'into' your e.d.

i'm not.
i've been where these girls and woman are, i can relate to them in terms of how i felt and thought *at one time*
i've also dealt with all this, BEEN there, DONE that. spent a good long time in genuine recovery.

and then my world began crashing down around me again 2 years ago.
because of DEPRESSION. unrelenting, severe, all-treatment resistant depression.
yeah, i've done a lot of fucking around in e.d. land as a result--have time and again _consciously_ and _willfully_ made _choices_ to engage in _behaviors_.

i am NOT LIKE THEM. it is NOT how it once was. i am not controlled by any e.d. "mindset".
just as i have made choices in the past 2 years to restrict and binge and purge and b+p and fast and pop pills and on and on--
i can, i have, just as easily sit down and eat the food put in front of me and its NOT A BIG FUCKING DEAL.
i feel like shit because i feel like shit, not because food and weight and eating stuff triggers it.

and being surrounded by 40 females (a few women and a lot of little girls) who ARE in that kind of space, who struggle with every single meal, talking about 'my eating disorder this' and 'my eating disorder that' all fucking day is DRIVING ME MAD/LOONY/BONKERS/INSANE.

i don't truthfully know what i'm going to do, what come's next...right now, i'm just praying for a blizzard, because holy-crap, 4 days of this and i already needneedNEED a fucking day OFF...


and sorry to disappoint...

1-27-04, 7:34pm
thank you all again for your words.


don't really have the energy to specifically respond right now, but i am listening, taking it in.
*trying* to do that all-around...

just gonna post here an email i wrote earlier to my old therapist C.
(from back in the day, if you haven't heard my spiel before--still adore her, we're still close and we still frustrate the hell out of each other, heh, etc.)
...contains the basic update + i'm too tired to summarize...

~~~~~

[copy of the email in this entry]



FL thread: Smart Ass Thread, there, I did it
2-4-04, 7:36pm

hmmm, therapist [Tacie] told me i was a smart ass too today.

a few days ago, she told me to stop being such a pain-in-the-ass.
(i told her i wouldn't be me if i did)

i sense a pattern...



FL thread: Losing weight=a skill?
2-13-04, 5:29pm

i had an eating disorder for 3 years before i actually "figured out" how to effectively starve myself/lose a significant amount of weight
(from a natural set point that is on the low end of "normal" anyway)

i know, i'm a slow learner sometimes.

i was no less fucked up or sick in the earlier years, but for better or worse, it did take my perfecting a particular "skill" for anyone else to get a clue.




FL thread: PC-ness, when will it finally go away?
2-14-04, 5:16pm

[QUOTE]It's not about being "PC." It's about having basic respect for people.

Frankly, the world needs more of that, not less.[/QUOTE]



i've had this saved on my notepad for a year now (damn...)--
sharing, just because...like sf, pleth. (me miss her!) always managed to say what i wanted to (and make sense at the same time, heh):

[QUOTE]And *once again* I mention that if "so goddamned PC" means, as it frequently seems to around here, "so goddamned displaying of even a vague interest in the feelings of other people," that's fine with me.[/QUOTE]



FL thread: Confession Corner, come clean!
2-21-04, 9:30pm

i apparently have a "self-righteous" "platform" when it comes to the issue of honesty.

the " " are not my words, but no matter, i am basically full of shit/a hypocrite.



[[above was in reference to an exchange w/Tacie the day she kicked me out of her office,
me knowing full well i'd already been lying for 2 weeks re the pills 'issue':
Me: �I�m just being honest�never seems to get me anywhere.�

Tacie: a cutting dig about that being my �platform��yaddah, yaddah�so answer my question��How do you think I, or anyone else that gives a shit about you, am going to feel about that?�]]



FL thread: Evil People who don't answer PMs, what assholes?
3-2-04, 10:33am

oh yeah, absolutely, the reason i don't reply to PMs is i am an evil asshole.
you are a true genius.




FL thread: Fascinated with suicide
3-2-04, 10:50am

i dunno, what's "normal" thinking anyway?

if you are chronically and severely depressed (and so on), it seems pretty fucking logical to think a lot about what seems the only possible escape.

i.e., i'm a bit fascinated with suicide myself.
and i'm of a pro-choice sort of philosophical stance, but that FL fight has been had, no need to rehash.
my personal stance however is that regardless of how much i want out, i have commitments/promises to 2 people very very important to me that i'll stay put.

but thinking about it,
researching...for me at least, can be an odd sort of comfort in itself.
so yeah.

5:49pm

[QUOTE]
[QUOTE] i think about suicide all the time.

a good book is 'night falls fast' by kay redison jamison or something[/QUOTE]

dude, if you are suicidal, have suicide ideation, do NOT READ THAT BOOK. i repeat DO NOT READ NIGHT FALLS FAST.

trig-ger-ing.

that is all.[/QUOTE]

on the other hand...

i've read it several times (author is kay redfield jamison btw, who also wrote an unquiet mind )--
always during a period particular 'darkness' shall we say.
and somehow, for ME, doing so was helpful in some way.

having made 'commitments' to people as noted, i can't help feeling rather resentful and pissed off and hopelessly trapped about that when i really really really want to be dead and "can't" do anything about it because of "them"--
but like i said thinking/obsessing about it, expressing or hearing from others the ugly dark REALITY...i dunno, for ME, it provides some (albeit sad) comfort.

but again, thats me.
i suppose, if someone does not have the sort of absolute-and-impenetrable wall between fantasy and action that i do, and yeah, many/most likely do not...then that book, or any comparable "trigger"--not such a good idea.



APFH thread: Do you have an eating disorder?, or do you just lurk here?
3-2-04, 2:30pm

my diagnosis is a lie.
no seriously.
i'm really a lurking laugher at heart.


[[speaking of "platforms":
one of my big ones is insisting
(and rightfully so--i've got the evidence to back it up yo!)
that I DO NOT HAVE AN "EATING DISORDER"
nevertheless, everyone and their mother insist on diagnosing me 307.50, i.e. "ednos"


(along of course w/the lovely 296.33: "major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe w/o psychotic features--
which CLEARLY encompasses my "eating disordered" behavior.)

so i saw Rosenberg yesterday and saw on my receipt 307.1, as in "anorexia nervosa" ("purging type")
are you KIDDING me?!?
i fear SHE may indeed be psychotic!
believe you me, i'll be taking this up w/ her next appointment.]]

^^^^^^



MB thread: bringing back BGW
3-5-04, 4:46pm

i'm not a prude...just asexual.
so personally speaking i don't really care one way or the other.

but i do believe sex/sexuality/relationships are *very* relevant to eds.
and if there is enough demand for a specific place to talk about those issues, which there seems to be...
then i say bring it back.
assuming the boards Can handle it of course.



FL thread: Why did you change your user name?
3-8-04, 8:30pm

have had the same name since day 1, can't really see myself ever changing it.

2 years ago, when i first registered, "tweety" or similar was what i pretty much always used for user/screen names.
but every person i know 'irl', or have met for more than 5 mins, heh, strongly associates me w/the little bird, and i was at first, *very* paranoid about coming across anyone i knew/being recognized--
(eventually got over it obviously )
--so had to come up w/ something else.

and over time, i've gotten really quite attached to the _unquiet_ 'persona', for lack of better phrasing.
'tis ME now, ya know?




FL thread: what have you lied about on tf?
4-4-04, 2:54pm

i am 99% sure i have never lied here.
(not gonna say i'm *absolutely* sure, cuz you can never quite be about anything)

honesty and integrity is a big deal to me.
decidedly not so proud of myself lately w/ the struggles re it i've been having in 'irl'
don't do a whole lot of talking around here about personal stuff, but i declare it for all to see in my dland journal...
sort of a first step towards coming clean in the realm where it matters...???

in terms of other's dishonesty, specificaly at tf, whether it be flat-out lying or acting in under-handed, deceptive ways...
i make every effort to try and understand WHY, what it is that compells them--
and most often it is clearly very deep pain that drives them to act out--
not so different a dynamic than any EDed or other self-destructive behavior.
it doesn't make what they do excusable, but i usually feel a sense of sadness for them.
sure as hell wouldn't ever trust them, not in this lifetime, but that doesn't preclude compassion.



have to edit some of this one so as not to "leak"...
a thread in sanc.
4-4-04, 6:15pm

...i go through phases in the amount of time i spend here:
--sometimes for many hours at time
--lately, very little comparatively

but i can't remember the last day i didn't check in at least for a few minutes.

sure, there are aspects of this place that annoy the fuck out of me, that from day one i wasn't a fan of.
there have been many a day where i quite frankly hate you all.
is there anything in life where this isn't the case??
not in my experience.
NOTHING is perfect.
certainly nothing in which the sum total is 99% human beings.
and there is not a one on the planet who is anywhere near the realm of even almost perfect.
by nature we all have episodes of seriously sucking on a pretty regular basis.

and all that being said, i long ago lost count of how many days tf has literally saved my life:
--whether by distraction;
--the sense of community that i have desperately longed for all my life and so very rarely experienced;
--the things that made me LAUGH at loud when such a thing seemed beyond all possibility;
--the amazing and beautiful acts of love i have witnessed that actually contradict my fundamental belief that that this world is completely beyond worth of even trying to save.
--and so much more.

there is not a damn thing about this place that has contributed to the severity of my depression, nor my obstinate march of complete self-destruction, and so on and so on, over the past two+ years...

...the fundamental principles of this community:
--free speech/uncensored expression;
--acceptance that we are all where we all and as ugly as that place might be, no one deserves to be shamed or chastised or ostrasized for it;
--and those or any other attempts to control or coerce or silence will result in anything but more ugliness;
--etc.

all of the above is what keeps me here.
and i feel no need to apologize for it.

there may indeed come a time when it right to move on.
but i won't regret a single moment i have spent among you.