// fueling the fires
| 06/08/2004 - 7:30 p.m. |

tues, 6:35pm
(pre-group notes)

alrighty.

left real early for group tonight,
so i'd have plenty of time to write
(despite how home i'd rather push some stuff way back in a deep dark closet).

came to hang out @ barnes + noble.
gave myself no more than 1/2 hr to browse.
+ actually stuck to it.
woah.
now sitting in the cafe, having a little snack--
a small cafe latte (w/skim of course) + a piece of low-carb ( ) brulee.


anyways...


how we 'stumbled on' the 'issue'--
it was after pat brought up where s. is staying right now,
as i'd been all mysterious about it last week.

from there (not sure how),
we talked about some of the things i get worried about w/ s.--
such as the med issue + related, her partaking of 'non-prescribed chemicals.'

think she asked some about my history (or mostly lack thereof really) w/ similar drugs...
and then asked if i'd even been into lax, diuretics, diet pills, etc.


*sigh*


the initial section of the discussion was no problem,
but i felt a pit of dread in my stomach,
+ increasingly so.

b/c i knew it was inevitable we'd get to right now, present day.

"um, can i not answer that question?"
which no shit is the same as saying yes--
i just didn't wanna say the word.

i tried valiently to get her to drop the subject,
even tho i knew it was fruitless.

i did not tell her about the whole frew thing.
but i did say that there was a larger issue,
that i was feeling particularly guilty about,
but that part of it i was definitely NOT going to disclose @ this pt. in time.

she mentioned, in terms of herself, my "lie of omission."
(hello c. flashbacks--bleh.)
which is true.
+ i have been aware of that.
but frankly, it hasn't been @ the top of the list:
that of the lies my conscience is most badgering me about.

to some extent, we talked more really about the general issue of honesty for me--
how its something that i highly value,
+ have an expectation of myself to honor w/o exception.

pat said right away that she can just imagine,
how much i must be continually beating myself up over the failure to meet that standard.

she also talked about how i "deserved better"--
in terms of:

(a) the 'behavior itself, taking the pills
(+ insisted on noting it as another example of my 'not taking care of myself' +
rather, treating myself very poorly--
blaaahhhh.);

(b) lying about it, esp. when

(c) doing so will knowingly add even more fuel to the 'self-hatred' rage.

+ of course those are obvious truths.
although, that i 'deserve better' often seems doubtful.
(yeah yeah i know, + back we go to (c))


i admitted i'd been taking the stackers,
continually + regularly since leaving frew.

+ i also GODDAMNEDMOTHERFUCKING LIED about everything else...
~7:10pm

(moved to frew lot--7:17pm)

...*lots of mean emotes*

i did not cop to also still taking the occassional phen.

i also honestly
(yes, i get the irony)
forgot about the 'carb cutters,' a recent addition.
(which i have no illusions, btw, that they do a single damn thing.)

as w/ everything, i primarily do it for the simple reason that:
i'm not 'supposed' to.
+ w/ the knowledge that the only effect such acts have is:
giving additional means of fucking myself over --->> to (c).

she also asked if there was "anything else i should know about?"
"nope, can't think of anything."

+ again i know damn well the cutting would have been the honest answer.
oh yes, i can rationalize that for multiple reasons, its not relevant:
we'd only been talking about 'ed things' really;
it was only once, not any deal, really not any reason she needs to be informed of it;
+ so on + so on.

but i know damn well its bullshit...