// 40 days and finally done...
| 03/02/2004 - 10:32 p.m. |

3-1-04, Mon, 1:13pm
More neglect to writing. Will try to fill in later.


But Today is my last day. For real!

Already had my goodbye session w/ Tacie.
Was hard. �Good� but hard.


She gave me a card�felt really nice.

M.:
In the darkest places in ourself we can find the wisdom/the voice that can lead us into the light.

Holding a good thought for you as you keep trying to turn to the light.
Tacie


And I gave her the putty w/ tweety container.
(random note�her sister is a tweety person/collector as well, but Tacie�s said that I�m even more of one�heh)

She said a lot of different really nice/caring/meaningful things�will jot down as I remember, won�t be chronological�

�Some people walk through your door, + some walk through your heart��she said she felt nearly right away, �as you did,� that it was a good combination; wouldn�t be easy, but she was determined to fight to get thru to me, + esp. to fight for me.

She gave a therapist rec, someone Rosenberg thinks very very highly of too, Pat D////.
Tacie actually shares an office with her�does have an outpatient practice�stupid Renfrew rules!�tho not ever there @ the same time. So, several hmmms�

I had a really hard time speaking, getting myself to verbalize�after much (typical Tacie**) prompting, said that �I do want to say� thank you + that I was pissed that I was sad to say goodbye.

(Supposed to be going to Grief + Loss group�
no, can�t deal, have already done my crying over + feeling loss for today)

Before I got anything out, Tacie was doing her pseudo-impression-of-me-talking-to-herself gig.** �I was so furious when you + Rosenberg conspired in getting and keeping me residential�and I was definitely not pleased when you grabbed my mom that time�and I didn�t think too highly of your clinical skills when you kicked me out of your office.�
Hahah.

Actually she was a little surprised I�d never been kicked out of a therapy session before , tho surely not shocked I myself had stormed out of a few��yeah, you�ve left my door shaking from a slam more than once.�

More I�m missing still, BUT I did get a goodbye HUG
Had packed my bag, ready to go, not sure how to close + she asked if I give hugs or take hugs��Its hard to tell w/ you� (hmm?)�
And I of course tried not to nod my head too vigorously. �Well, then, give me a hug goodbye.� Ok. We got up + embraced for several seconds�
Long enough that it felt �real,� brief enough that I couldn�t fall apart�and it felt really really good�

She said something I didn�t exactly catch about getting a hug + my body relaxing?
And I said my last goodbye + she replied �Take care of yourself� + I closed the door behind me�
s for sure�


2:13pm--The relaxed thing had something to do w/ earlier comments. I was definitely sitting there for much of the time very physically tense, biting my lip, any movements I made kind of jerky. And Tacie said how she �thinks� that when I am having strong emotions�I forget exactly what she said, something about defending against them by tensing my body or holding them in making my body tense + rigid�something like that.

But yeah, I do love hugs (why that �hard to tell� comment was interesting), crave them/affection, + so makes sense that my body would then �release� so to speak.

In actually getting one�

2:49pm--Thinking about that comment�it does make some sense actually. I so crave that kind of affection + I so rarely get it + I�m so scared to ASK for it�convinced I�ll be rejected and/or I don�t deserve and/or so ashamed that I want/need it.

Not news that this has been a long-recurring theme for me.

So, as with many other things, while it feels to me so obvious how needy + wanting I am, like I�m naked + wearing a neon sign, it makes sense that the vibe I send out, intended or not, is one of at least ambivalence, if not a loud + clear stay physically away�I know that�s what happens in terms of reception to emotional closeness�

3/2, 10:32pm
�Even in �good� times, when I am eager for social contact + relationships, I am so often frustrated + eventually then turn it against myself w/ that old and known internal �loser� tape�and find out that I am still perceived on some level as unapproachable�the vibe seems to broadcast itself, even I don�t want (or don�t think I do�) to send it.

Hadn�t really considered that process/pattern before in terms of affection�but it now seems so obvious how similarly it plays out.

And its sad�I�m actually feeling that in both subjective and objective terms right now.
And then there is always the lurking Why + How I developed (or didn�t) w/ such screwy basic wiring. Seriously.
I mean there are surely sufficient explanations for my being dysfunctional�but nonfunctional in these such fundamental human realms?
Doesn�t add up to me, never has.
Always that sense that something is *missing*
I dun-no.