// how it was
| 07/22/2004 - 5:26 p.m. |

tues, 7-20-04, 7:04pm
(pre-group notes)

have an appt w/ Dr Nieman, the colorectal surgeon,
next mon (the 26th) @ 2:15pm.
would usually being seeing pat @ 3,
but she's on vacation next week.
so, lucky me,
i guess i got the 1st avail. appt. or whatever.
boo-yah.
can't wait.
*cough*


pat was asking yesterday if this whole thing changes my feelings any,
about the primary care doc issue at all.
i'm like 'gimme a break. lemme get thru this one 1st?'

i have to see a doc (a male doc)
who might tell me i need surgery on my ass--
like i can really think about anything beyond that right now.


the opening exchange yesterday went pretty much as i'd scripted it.
when i asked if she knew what a rectal prolapse is,
she was like 'uh, not exactly. something w/ a valve in the rectum?'
i assume she associated the word prolapse w/ the heart,
like a mitral valve prolapse
(which i also have, but its not any deal, very common)--
i did too.
not anymore.

it was funny watching her read my play-by-play account,
the faces and 'oh my god's.
yeah, no kidding.

so we talked a good bit about that obviously,
pretty much covering the various pts. i'd written about.

did move on to other stuff,
also various randomness i've already written about--
the mid-term;
some about the olympic team announcement, heh,
me gushing over Mo, my love.


we did talk about 1 new thing--
as usual i don't remember how we got there exactly,
but stuff about this time last yr came up.

oh wait, i remember now.
she was like so, does this one top your last er visit?
uh no, don't think anything could quite top that day from hell.

anyways, so i said that along w/ how angry i was,
i also felt pretty hurt by the whole thing, esp. by diane...

cont. thu, 7-22-04, 10:31am
she was the 'new' topic.
it's so bizarre.
i've been seeing pat for what, 4-1/2 months now?
and diane was my last outpatient therapist before her,
yet this was the 1st time we had any actual convo. about her.
vs. C., who hasn't been my therapist for 3-1/2 years,
+ pat brings her up constantly.

this is not unique to pat at all tho.
(and i know i've written about it more than once.)
like in all my various assessments at renfrew,
prior and at the beginning,
no one even asked if they could talk to diane.
everyone wanted to call C.
HOW am i that transparent even in an initial interview?!?
grrrrr.

anyways, so pat asked me "what was diane like?"
uhhhhh,
how does one describe someone who is so freakin NON-descript???...
(~10:39am)

cont. tues, 7-22-04, 11:35am
(pre-pat notes)

...i really couldn't come up w/ anything,
finally just said "blank."
talked about how although i "liked" her ok +
there were certain things i "appreciated" about her
(such as her consistent support of my relationship w/ C.)--
i *knew* for *quite* some time that it wasn't working.
actually always liked her more when communicating thru email--
she oddly seemed more like a 'real person' in that medium.
how there was never any real connection +
when things ended, it was not even slightly difficult to leave.
i also noted how typical it was when i 1st contacted her again,
a month or so after moving back to philly,
her reply that she would be happy to get future updates from me,
but would not be replying.
that is what diane was like.


no messages from rosenberg yet asking to change tomorrow's appt.
so looks like i will have have a friday appt.
that being 'significant' b/c tacie of course doesn't work on the weekends,
+ is usually there late on fridays to do family sessions--
i.e., decent probability that i will run in to her.

a little, not overly tho, nervous about that--
while i did get a (relieving) response to the letter thru pat,
haven't seen her or anything in the meantime.

oh, plus i get to retell my lovely story to rosenberg.
(+ tacie too perhaps)
such f.u.n.